This is Why You Don't Drug Kimimaro
by phoenixyfriend
Summary: Kaguya Kimimaro's "un"-Hostile Takeover shall now commence. Soon, so will Puppet-boy's. Crackfic.


Naruto looked up at his ceiling as he awoke and sighed. He brought up a hand to rub at his eyes. Another death, another loop, another life begun as an eleven-year-old, still a year from making genin.

_**You awake, brat?**_

_Kyuubi? Yeah, just woke up. Who do you think we should go for now?_

_**That Hyuuga girl looks rather nice, maybe if you got her and that priestess chick that-**_

_Kurama. Be serious. And for the last time, I'm so much older than them mentally that it's not even funny. I'm not building myself a harem._

_**Brat, even if I was talking about what you wanted to talk about, it wouldn't be serious. We're stuck in a time-loop where our best hope of getting entertainment these past few loops is giving random people we've, or rather you've met hallucinogenic substances or alcohol on a prolonged basis to see what happens. That's not a serious matter. That's sad, annoying, and hilarious matters all rolled up into one.**_

_Still haven't answered my question._

'_**Shrooms for the boner guy.**_

… _Please tell me you meant to say bone guy, referring to Kaguya Kimimaro, and that that was just a Freudian slip._

_**The middle is right, the beginning and end… not so much.**_

_You just did it to mess with me, didn't you?_

_**No duh. So, we gonna go for Orochimaru's favorite toy?**_

_Kurama, seriously, stop that. You're such a pervert sometimes. And yeah. Why not?_

They would soon find out EXACTLY why giving Kimimaro a hallucinogenic of any type was a bad idea.

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto snuck through the woods, following behind a fourteen-year-old Kimimaro and a sixteen-year-old Juugo as they went on a walk so that Juugo could keep himself calm by playing with the animals.

With all his pranking experience, the Rokudaime Hokage (and he'd earned that rank _many_ times over) found it ridiculously easy to sneak an almost invisible powdery hallucinogenic into Kimimaro's food.

Juugo and Kimimaro finally stopped to take lunch, and Naruto took a pause to eat his own, and the blonde and the redhead witnessed a rather shocking performance worthy of (evil versions of) the Green Beasts themselves.

(Partway through the rant)

Kimimaro swung an arm around a freaked out Juugo's shoulders swinging an arm across the sky in front of them. His voice was fevered, and a gleam of insane megalomania glimmered in his eyes. "Come with me, Juugo! Together, you and I can take back what has been stolen from us, gain what is rightfully ours! I shall rule all that exists Juugo, and you shall be at my side during the entirety!

"We could be great! We could be all that Orochimaru has dreamed of himself, but not yet achieved, and go beyond even that! We shall become the gods of a new era, ruling the Elemental Nations with an iron hand!" Neither of the physically older boys noticed the mentally older one in the bushes, currently snacking on popcorn with a possessed Kage Bunshin, henged into a fox, lying next to him.

"Never took him to be the megalomaniacal type." Naruto commented.

"**Think he could pull it off?**" Kurama questioned.

Naruto shrugged. "Who knows? He's pretty strong, strong enough for Kabuto to bring him up whenever Kimimaro dies and Snake Freak Version Two Point Oh uses Edo Tensei, but he's fanatically devoted to—"

"Orochimaru can stay behind! We shall take these barren lands and—" Kimimaro still hadn't stopped talking, and Juugo still looked uncomfortable.

"Never mind, it seems he's completely independent when high or drunk. Think we should keep him on?"

"**Go for it. Looks like it'll turn out interesting if he actually has leadership potential.**"

Naruto nodded and went back to eating his popcorn, watching Kimimaro rant maniacally, and feeling sorry for Juugo.

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto, in keeping tabs on Kimimaro, found out something rather interesting. When the Kaguya was high, he had a tendency to plan ahead in ways that would make Shikamaru jealous, and had charisma on par with Naruto's Therapy Jutsu. It was still surprising, though, when it took him only three days to gain control of Oto.

A week after that, he'd taken control of the Daimyo of the Land of the Rice Patties, and most of the small neighboring countries. Two weeks more to take control of a Mizugakure no Sato that was still at war with itself, and only another after that to take all of the minor hidden villages other than Ame, which was ridiculously well-guarded.

It took him only six weeks in all to take over the Elemental Countries, and the only places that were left free from his rule were Amegakure no Sato and the Land of Iron, which Kimimaro seemed to avoid simply because he respected samurai more than ninjas. Juugo was ruling as his right-hand man, and Orochimaru, for all his faults, seemed perfectly happy to work under his former underling so long as he got the corpses of fallen enemies and the living bodies of prisoners of war to experiment on, and if Orochimaru was happy, so was Kabuto.

Naruto offered a box of Pocky to Sasuke, who was sitting next to him, dazed, and Itachi, who was sitting next to his little brother. A Pein Path, the one that was formed out of Yahiko, sat on Naruto's other side on the tongue of his favorite statue in Amegakure, wary and aware of the time-travelling boy's power, presence, and prescience, and holding faint, distorted memories of the loops on his own.

"You claim that this has never happened to him in any of your other loops?"

Naruto shook his head. Konan glanced at him from around Pein, but refrained from talking after what she'd seen him do to Tobi before handing the masked man over to the new Elemental ruler.

"Nope. Pocky?"

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto soon found that similar results occurred with Kankuro, the speed of which was dependent upon when he was given the mind-altering substances and how stable Gaara's mental state was. Several times he got them to work together, leading to the two co-ruling everything except for, as mentioned above, Amegakure no Sato and the Land of Iron in the span of two to three weeks. Of course, Naruto could have stopped them, but it was much funnier not to, and to simply stop giving them whichever drug he'd chosen after they'd reached the top and watch them flounder to figure out what to do or just go with the flow. Kurama agreed.

o.o.o.o.o

A/N: And that's what happens when I write crack. Did it make you laugh?


End file.
